"I will never..."

This is always the hardest part.

Choosing one line to begin with...especially after a few weeks off.  But like I said, if something gets neglected around here, I prefer for it to be my blog.  Not my husband, my kids...or my job.  So here I sit again. Just me and my thoughts...(well, and my wine)....so here goes.

This right here?  This is one of my favorite places always, but especially right now.  My husband puts a lot of time and energy and love into decorating our home at Christmas and every time I sit out here I'm reminded of how fortunate I am to live this life.  I have an amazing husband who works really hard, but loves his family just as hard.  And I have two incredible boys that are equal parts frustrating and awesome at the same time.

This right down here?  This kid makes my heart hurt. Every day.  He wakes up happy...it amazes me.  This picture was taken the first weekend of Thanksgiving Break.  I braved it to Cosmic Jump with the boys (and me, just me) so that Darrin could put up Christmas lights.  Brody fell asleep on the way there.  I snapped a picture to send to Darrin, almost like an "I told you so...look how hard this is going to be for me now, pity party type of thing"....and then.  Then, I looked at that picture.  And there was my big boy, nearly 3.  (I know he shouldn't have a pacifier, but you shouldn't judge...we'll get to that part later).  There was my big boy, looking like a baby.  And I couldn't help but miss it. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER want another baby.  Like, EVER.  But in that moment...he was fragile and peaceful and he needed me again.  And it was beautiful.  And I missed that baby boy.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving.  We spent a couple of nights in Oklahoma with my family and then we spent a few nights in Kansas with Darrin's side of the family.  Almost daily, I reflect on how far we have come in one year.  All of us....but especially Hudson.  He is actually a pretty decent traveler these days. We arrived back home, relatively unscathed.  We had one major meltdown regarding the grievance of a gum ball not had.  Otherwise, the meltdowns were fairly minimal.  We were also able to make it to the KSU/KU game, with a lot of the family, which was a lot of fun!

Yesterday, I was on my own with the boys again. Darrin had All Region Jazz Clinic and Concert Friday/Saturday....this also coincided with our HDMI cable on our TV shorting out.  On Friday, I threw a pity party about that and on Saturday, I woke up and realized how RIDICULOUS that pity party was.  I SPENT A COUPLE OF DAYS WITHOUT TV.  Wow.  My life.  Is so hard.  I bet our sponsored child, Luvuyo would be floored if he saw our TV.  If he saw our house.  If he saw our food.  If he saw our cars.  If he saw a mom and a dad, BOTH here. Both alive. Both trying, every day, to love our kids to the best of our ability.  Instead of it being a burden, I decided to spend our day with each other, being active.  We went to Lil Dragons (H's martial arts), then came home and I cut their hair (Darrin usually does this...It's a little short this time...but cute, right?!) and then we went to Pizza Hut to redeem a couple of free personal pan pizzas from Book It program and Swim lessons.  We did this WITHOUT iPads (although one should not judge if I had brought iPads. Again, getting to that point in a moment).  We then went Huffines MS so I could get a few things done.  The boys and I played freeze tag in the gym for a solid 45 minutes.  We had so. much. fun. 

My final point is the most important, I think.  Throughout the past couple of weeks I have posted on Facebook.  One post was a response to a friend who is just pregnant with her first child.  Her original post was very judgmental regarding kids using iPads at dinner.  She said, "I will never allow my kids to have iPads at dinner.  You can hold me to that."  There was a part of me that felt SO GOOD.  I felt (and feel) so good to not be in her shoes anymore.  I have nothing to prove.  The older I get, the more I realize how little I actually know.  The more I realize I have to rely on a higher power.  The older I get, the less I care about what others think.  There are times that we go out to dinner and we bring not ONE iPad, but TWO.  We do this when we are exhausted and we simply want ONE meal where we are waited on again...and ONE meal that we can make it through without a meltdown.  Do I wish every meal was iPad free? Yes, of course.  But have I learned to forgive myself for the times that we allow it, because allowing it makes us nicer, more patient parents for 20 minutes, yes.  I forgive myself.  Back to the Facebook post....I replied and I gave my perspective.  I also stated that before I had kids I said a LOT of "nevers".....I have a feeling this offended the poster....but that was not my intent.  I simply wish that when I was younger, I would have THOUGHT more and spoken less.  I have COMPLETELY come to the conclusion that the WORST thing we can do as mothers (as parents, in general) is to judge other mothers/parents.  Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and I often question nearly every decision I make.  But I make each decision after careful thought and prayer and each decision is the best one for me and my family at that given time.  Sometimes, even despite all that, the guilt I feel is enough.  I need NO extra guilt placed on me by others that think they could do it better. (Especially when those others don't have children yet of their own).

On the flip side of that, we had a meeting with Hudson's teachers this week and at one point, it was mentioned that we are all working together, and I was given the impression that both Darrin and I were respected.  Throughout Hudson's evaluation process, it has been said more than once, "Mrs. Duff, you are doing all the right things"...or, "we can tell you are working with him at home and things are improving."  I had a Facebook post last night where my beautiful sister in law (and a handful of friends) all reassured me that I'm a good mother...doing right by my kids.  The nice thing is....being a mother has made my skin tougher than I thought it could EVER be.  However, the impact of those positive statements...man...what if we could ALL do more of THAT.  And less of the judgmental "nevers"....Because again, we NEVER really know what anyone else is going through. 

Protection

I know, guys.  I know.
It's been awhile.
This is the time of year when I feel I'm being swallowed up by our schedules.
I don't say that to imply I'm busier than anyone else (I have a friend that used to get offended when I talked of being busy).  I don't say that to complain...I say it to explain.
When life gets busy, I try not to shut down.  But I do take a break from non-essentials in order to focus on the essentials....but I'm here tonight.  I made time and I'm so excited!
Although the past few weeks have been busy, they have been fun!
I was able to work in a Girls' Night with Ryan and Steph, which was long overdue and very much needed.  We had so much fun reconnecting!

As I synced my phone tonight to prepare to blog, I was reminded of how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.  I met Ryan and Steph my first year at OU and they have been my chosen sisters (I don't have any biological sisters, so I'm allowed to say that) for 16 years.  I'm so thankful that they love me no matter what and I'm proud of the friendship we've maintained.  I had a feeling our kids would grow up together....but I never really knew how solid our friendship would remain over the course of 16 years....I'm proud of us and what we've grown up to be...and what our kids are growing up to be.  Maybe Hudson and Brody will meet their very own version of Ryan and Steph someday when they go to OU.  I pray, anyway, that they have friends like that in their life.

I am also so thankful for my friend, Casey.  I also met him my freshman year at OU.  He was the clarinet player judging our color guard moves behind us (yes, verbally. Out loud, for all to hear).  I knew I loved him the moment I heard that sarcastic, hilarious voice. He was there for me at times when I felt like no one else was. "You mean your boyfriend broke up with you like, the NIGHT BEFORE you were supposed to fly to your parents together for Christmas? No problem, I'll take you to the airport at 5am.  Not a problem."
After judging last weekend, I met up with Casey at Klyde Warren Park for some grub with the boys.
Love him.

One day this week, when I picked up Hudson from his after school daycare, he immediately ran over and started talking to me, a mile a minute (loudly) like he always does.  An older boy (probably 4th grade) notices me right away and yells, "Yay!! Hudson's leaving!!"  I look at this boy and it takes me a minute to figure out what just happened.  Hudson kept talking, and for a minute I wondered if Hudson had heard him....but I know he always. hears. everything.  

I asked Hudson if he was nice to his friends today.  Then I looked right at that boy and asked, "Were your friends nice to you?"  I felt like a bit of a bully, staring down a 4th grader, fire in my eyes.  But lucky for him, he blushed. And lucky for him, I was already on the verge of tears as my heart was breaking for my son.  The director, Ms. Marsha, heard him and immediately looked at him and called him over.  She disciplined this boy while I tried to keep it together and go get Brody.  In that moment...I realized how real this is.  Life is getting real, guys.  

My kids are growing up and I cannot protect them from everyone and everything. I can't protect myself, either.  I am however, thankful for my parents (and teachers...especially band directors) that somehow taught me to have a backbone and some tough skin when people were hurtful and unkind.  Unfortunately, it's not just kids that can be hurtful.  Adults are just as bad at times. And it could be Hudson next time, saying something rude and unkind.  It could be me, on a bad day.  So I continue to pray that the Lord will use me, through my words and my actions, to be kind, loving and patient with my biological kids and my kids that I teach. They are all my kids.  I also pray that I can teach them to be confident in themselves and not be hurt by the words of others.  I pray that I can be kind and loving to my friends and coworkers and if I'm ever rude or unkind, I pray they forgive me for having a bad moment....or a bad day....and I pray they know it is not intentional.  I also pray for that boy that was rude to Hudson, and I pray that it was unintentional.

That night, I put the boys to bed and then I went to bed myself, exhausted.  I can't remember finishing my prayer...but when I woke up at 4am...I couldn't go back to sleep.  I prayed for protection for Hudson. I prayed for both my boys, but for right now, I want extra protection for my Hudson.  I cannot protect him.  But HE can.  I went upstairs. I crawled into Hudson's bed.  He was 90% asleep when he asked me, "Will you stay here with me? All night?"  I, however, was WIDE AWAKE when I answered, "Yes.  Yes, Hudson. I'll be right here all night."

The following night, I asked Hudson to pray with me.  He told me, "I don't like to say prayers, mommy."  I asked him why and he said, "I don't like the way some of the words look in my head."
I asked him which words he didn't like and he said, "Amen.  Amen is a very ugly picture in my brain." I asked him what it looked like and he said it has all these gross lines on these bricks on a wall.  I asked him to draw it for me and he agreed but told me he couldn't draw the bricks.  Here is "Amen":

I explained that the Lord likes it when we pray... and then I asked him if all words are pictures in his brain.  He said yes.  But he said some words are also kind of like short little videos.  I asked him which words he really liked the pictures of...he said "Magic."  I asked him what magic looked like and he said it was all these different colors of sparkles falling downward.  He told me he also likes the word funny.  This is the word "funny":

Protect us all, Lord. And help us all to be kind and loving.  Everyone out there, I HAVE to believe, is simply, doing the very best they can.

Recap

In pictures:

The month of October is always crazy for us. We go into survival mode with Friday night football games, Saturday marching contests, Middle School district and Region Contests, Fall Concerts, etc.

"I'm not...."

I'm beginning to look forward to this time each week.
This invaluable chance to put my thoughts somewhere.
It was actually a really busy week even though I can't be terribly specific in my thoughts.
Early in the week (Monday or Tuesday) we had a family stop by to talk to us (Huffines Band staff) about their son's Eagle Scout project.  This was a former student of ours who happens to have Asperger's. I was an emotional wreck, to be quite honest.  While everyone was talking and discussing the project, I was listening...intently staring at this young man, picturing my very own biological young man.  I was also receiving a couple of emails from Hudson's kindergarten teacher telling me about his day while trying to listen to this young man speak....so maturely and so independently.
I was. So. Proud. of him.
I know now, the battle his family has fought.
I know now, the times they have probably pleaded and demanded solutions and modifications.
This young man...his broad shoulders and wide jaw and low voice....his handsome "normal" face....represented all that I can hope Hudson becomes.

My mom came down to help out Wednesday through Sunday (today).
She is a saint.  I hope....constantly....to be 1/10th the mother she was and is.  It is so incredibly helpful to have her here to help with pick up of the boys....dinner prep...watching them while I teach a masterclass (which I sometimes have to simply say no to due to Darrin's schedule).  I have to admit...it is difficult at times, to see how much Hudson bonds with her.  He loves her so much.  He prefers her to nearly anyone else.  He needs her in a way that I feel he has never needed me.  There are times...I wonder if he even likes me.  He has never really NEEDED ME, emotionally.  There are times I feel like he's growing closer...and other times, within the same instant...he feels so far away.

Saturday, my mom and I took the boys to the Flower Mound Pumpkin Patch.  It was a lot of fun, but if I'm being totally honest....I'm pretty sure I am on the spectrum as well.  It is situations like this that make me able to admit that.  I get COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED in a crowd like that.  I cannot think.  I cannot concentrate.  I can't stand the noises and the smells.  I have learned how to tolerate them and I bite my lip out of habit.  At certain times of the year, I would be embarrassed if anyone looked at the inside of my lip....I go to town on it sometimes.  That's my tick. If you're honest with yourself, you might have one, too.

Each week, as I live this life... I try to think of one profound moment or thought that stuck out to me....something I can blog about with abandon.  This week....it was this one brief moment at the Pumpkin Patch: Hudson and Brody both wanted to get on this bounce house that has a slide.  They scrambled up to the front of the line once we took off their shoes, ignoring about 3 other children waiting patiently.  My mom said to Hudson, "This little boy is in line, Hudson. You need to wait behind this little boy."  That "little boy" looked at my mother like she was CRAY---ZEEE.  He said, "I'm NOT LITTLE!!"  We both laughed and said, "No, No...you're not little..." He said, "I'm a BIG KID!"  We agreed...But I thought to myself...."How often do we all do this?"  We think of ourselves as bigger than what we truly are.  We think we're "big kids" in the big wide world.  We think we're in control.  How often do we look at God and think, "I'm not LITTLE! I'm a Big Kid!"  Ultimately, I know God is in control. I do think we all have some control in the choices we make and in the circumstances we find ourselves in....but knowing HE is in control....gives me some peace.

Today, we went to the Blue Goose after church.
The boys had fun playing in the water....

The adults had fun having (somewhat) uninterrupted conversation.
I love the friends I have chosen for my life.  I thank God for them and I thank God for my family.  I couldn't have been born into a better one....and neither could Hudson or Brody.
I pray nightly that I can be the mother they deserve.

"There were parts I liked and parts I didn't"

So. Here I sit again, in an attempt to recap a week's worth of adventures.

Monday:  Hudson told me, "I have two friends.  One is Luke, you know that boy.  The other is Rul, from my school. I need more friends."  We then talked about how to make and keep friends, how to share interests and ask about other's interests and how to take turns talking.

Tuesday:  I had everything worked out.  My friend, Steph, was going to watch the boys that night since I had my Middle School Football game band performance and Darrin had his marching rehearsal (his first contest was this Saturday and he couldn't miss rehearsal).  I left work and went to daycare to get the boys and then haul them off to Steph's.  I took one look at Brody and thought, "Oh. No."  You know when it's YOUR kid and they look at you and you know RIGHT AWAY they are sick...?  'Cause they're YOURS?  Yep.  That was it.  I tried to push that thought to the back of my mind, telling myself, "No, he's just tired...it'll be fine." I got Hudson buckled in the car and Brody was sobbing while walking to his side of the car.  I kept asking him, "What's wrong?  Use your words and tell mommy what's wrong."  He used NO words.  He threw up.  All over me.  Needless to say, I missed my band's performance that night.  The most amazing part in all of that is the man I teach with.  He is ALWAYS completely understanding when it comes to my kids.  I felt horrible having to miss and he refused to let me feel guilty about it.  I am so incredibly thankful for him.

Wednesday: Asperger's won.  That's all I can really say.  Sometimes Asperger's wins.  It was a rough night.

Thursday:  Darrin had his football game.  I took the boys to Market Street for dinner/playground time.  This did not last long. Hudson fell and bumped his head and then proceeded to scream and cry at the top of his lungs for the remainder of the evening.  It hurt, granted.  It totally hurt him.  I give him that. He had a bump on the back of his head that HAD TO BE painful.  Hudson, however, has no filter, MOST of the time when it comes to controlling his emotions in public....So he refused to leave but yet, made everyone miserable by screaming and crying at the top of his lungs while aimlessly wandering the playground structures.  You should have seen the meltdown when I told him he had two minutes to stop screaming or we would need to leave.  Also, when we arrived, I told him to "keep an eye" on Brody.  He literally, put his eye on Brody.  Like, leaned over and touched his eye to Brody's head. Good stuff.

Friday:  I had MY Middle School Night at the LHS football game.  It is SO MUCH FUN now that I know so many of the High School kids.  It was VERY LOUD and slightly chaotic trying to get that many kids fed on time and combining 4 middle school band programs with 1 high school band program just makes things kind of crazy, loud and overwhelming.  I was trying to get pizza onto middle school kid's plates while parents and former students were trying to talk and hug me, etc...I had to go stand in a corner and breathe for a minute and I thought, "This must be what Hudson feels like, all the time."  Everything is a little louder and a little brighter.  Everything is a little more exciting and a little more uncomfortable and at times, painful....it must be EXHAUSTING for him.

Saturday:  Darrin had his first Marching Contest of the year.  I took the boys to Lil' Dragons (Hudson's martial arts class) and then Lego Land.  It was SO fun.  The boys BOTH behaved AWESOME.  There was a boy in line in front of us, who was flapping quite a bit.  He would be fine for a moment and then turn and face the wall and flap his arms uncontrollably.  I looked at Hudson and there were a couple times he did his "eye" thing  (he takes his thumb and first finger and puts it on his eyelid above and under his eyeball, essentially opening his eye...as if trying to hold his eye open, unblinking).  He tends to get upset when I ask him why he does this.  He tells me he does it "when his eyes feel funny"....I don't think it's a vision problem.  I think maybe it's just a tick, sort of....an anxiety thing.  Anyway, the other child's Autism (or Aspergers or Autism Spectrum Disorder is what I should probably call it) was much more clearly visible to others.  There was a part of me that was thankful for that, and I feel like a HORRIBLE person typing that.  Another part of me wondered (again) if we jumped the gun.  IS THIS Asperger's.  And if it's not, WHAT is it...I think that's why they have put everything under one HUGE umbrella (Autism Spectrum Disorder) because the grey area is SO, SO huge.  I think we're all a little bit of something.  We're all under some sort of umbrella.  Also, at one point, in all the chaos that is Lego Land (it was really crowed and really chaotic) there were all these little kids (like Brody's age) and a couple of big kids (pre-teens and young teens) playing with the car ramp (you can make your own lego car and then race them down a ramp).  Before I knew it, I saw one of those teenage boys move his car out of the way when Brody clambered up to the ramp, letting the little kid go first.  I looked him in the eye and mouthed, "Thank you."  He nodded and smiled like it was no big deal.  I wanted to yell at that young man, "IT IS A BIG DEAL! IT IS A VERY BIG DEAL! YOU ARE A GOOD YOUNG MAN AND YOU GIVE US ADULTS REASON TO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!"

After LegoLand we walked by *sigh* the Hermit Crab stand.  We are now the proud owners of two Hermit Crabs (Hudson's is named "Lego" and Brody's is named "Peppa").  I really hope they don't die.  The boys love them.

Today (Sunday fun day):  Today, I went to Petsmart and found myself staring at items pertaining to Hermit Crabs, wondering what has come of my life.  Then, I got my answer when the boys got home from the playground and saw their new Hermit Crabitat and freaked out with excitement.  That. That is what has come of my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This afternoon, I had a movie date with Hudson.  He took me to see "Boxtrolls"....I have to admit, it was REALLY good, but it was actually kind of scary and creepy at times, which I had no idea it would be.  Hudson got really scared at one point and I told him we could leave if he wanted.  He said no, he wanted to see how it ended.  I told him it would have a happy ending (Right?!  I mean, it HAS to, right?!  It's a kid's movie!).  Thankfully, it did have a happy ending.  After the movie, I asked him if he liked it.  He said, "There were parts I liked and there were parts I didn't like.  But the parts I DID LIKE were more than the parts I didn't like."  I told him, "Hudson, that's exactly how LIFE is.  There will be parts you like. There will be parts you don't like.  There will be parts that are scary and parts that are happy and parts that are exciting and parts that are sad.  And in the end, you have to HOPE and PRAY for a happy ending."
That's what I pray for. Every night, anyway.

When we hug, we squeeze

We had another good week at school, all of us.
Hudson is now a part of the Accelerated Reader program at his elementary school.
He scored a 100% on the first quiz he took.
He came home with another book the very next day.
It amazes me, that he reads so well.
Not only that, but he COMPREHENDS what he is reading.
As I'm typing this, the same child is currently being disciplined by his father for saying the same potty word, over and over again.....some things....I don't understand.
I asked Hudson on Friday, "What do I have to do to help you stop saying those words (potty words such as poopy and booty and butt)? YOU tell ME? What do I have to do?!" He said, "I don't know....I try to keep them in my head, but sometimes...I just can't."  We had my mother-in-law, Katie, here this weekend, which was so great to have a little extra help with the boys on Saturday while Darrin was at Jazz Band Auditions.  Mel and Jen (Darrin's sisters) were also in town and the twins (Abby and Tayler, our nieces) live here now.  It was SO GREAT  to catch up with family.  We went to Uptown Dallas (lol) with the boys on Friday. It was an adventure, to say the least.  The boys actually did great, but trying to park down there is stressful enough when you're alone.  I would not describe it as "super fun" when you also have two small children in your car, constantly asking, "Are we there yet? Mom, are you going to park? Mom, when are we going to get out of the car?! Mom, I have to pee! Mom, when are we going to see Nana?  Mom, can you please park now?!"  On Saturday, we had Lil' Dragons, which Nana got see Hudson show off his moves.  Then the boys went to Adventure Kids that night while the adults went to have dinner at Blue Goose.  Today, I got some laundry and cooking done and then saw a movie with Ryan (This is Where I Leave You)....it was really good.  After the movie, we took the boys to the splash pad by Agave Azul and now we're home about to put them to bed so we can watch Parenthood.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the show, "Parenthood."  It is amazing....
Not much else to report except the happenings of the week.
My title, however, refers to some progress being made in regards to Hudson's social skills and his affection for his brother.  On Saturday night, I was putting Brody to bed and the twins were putting Hudson to bed.  We were all in the bathroom while they brushed teeth, which is where I usually try to get them to hug each other, say good night, etc....Hudson is always very "against" that.  This usually hurts Brody's feelings....the struggle is real.  Well, I asked Hudson if Brody could give him a hug and he said, "Only if he asks me and says 'please'...."  So...I had Brody ask Hudson, "Bubba, can I give you a hug, please?" Hudson LET him hug him.  It was awesome.  He pretty much refused to hug him back. He just stood there, limply tolerating it. But...it is PROGRESS.  And progress is GOOD.

Finding the good

Look at me! I'm back! It was NOT, in fact, a "one blog post and then wait, wait, wait again for another" kind of thing. I'm really going to try to make this an every Sunday event.  It's therapy.  And it's free. As this week went by, there were many times I said to myself, "I should blog about that."  Unfortunately, when it comes time to actually sit down and do this, my thoughts aren't always very clear.  There were many ups and downs this week.  Hudson had a sticker every day on his chart at school, but he did have a note on Thursday telling us that he had experienced a meltdown when a friend "aggravated" him.  Still, it is progress.  And progress is good.  I haven't heard from anyone regarding the evaluation they are doing through LISD.  Darrin and I filled out another survey regarding his behavior for an occupational therapist on the school's Autism Evaluation Team.  I don't think he'll qualify for (or need, necessarily) any occupational therapy.  He's not the most coordinated kid, but his vision, hearing and motor skills are fine, I think.  The only concern I really have on that end is some of his sensory issues with noises and smells. What I see him needing is more therapy, one-on-one, to work on controlling his emotions properly/reducing meltdowns/and improving SOCIAL SKILLS.  Time will tell and I'm curious what they will tell us he "needs".

We took an impromptu family photo on Wednesday when my neighbor, Kristen, came over and took one for us. One of Hudson's projects called for a family picture and I was embarrassed that our most 'recent' one was over two years old.

I didn't make it to Darrin's football game performance on Friday, but one of his band parents took this AWESOME picture.  I wish I would have gone.  But the weather was a little rainy and gross and I never know how Hudson is going to handle the noises, lights, smells...and the people.

Saturday was crazy busy Lil Dragons in the morning, then a housewarming party in the afternoon and then Steph's birthday party in the evening.  The boys went to Adventure Kids in the evening and had a blast and the adults had AMAZING food and adult conversation.  Win, Win.

Today, I cooked as much as possible for the week because it's just easier if I cook on weekends and reheat during the week.  We just got back from the park! Both boys are doing awesome on their bikes. Darrin and I were talking about how thankful we are for their birth order.  I'm so glad Brody is younger.  For now, he idolizes Hudson.  He does whatever Hudson tells him to do.  I'm not sure how I'll feel about that when they are teenagers...but for now....

School for me is going really well.  My students are great this year!  My band is a little smaller and honestly, I think that helps me teach them better.  My rehearsals are more focused and efficient with a smaller group and it is nice to have a 3rd band in case anyone in my 2nd band isn't pulling their weight.  Our beginner class overall is AWESOME.  My clarinet class is right after my percussion class (which Mr. Murphy, the percussion coordinator at LHS, teaches) and I am always a little hurried trying to get the chairs set up for my 20 clarinets in between classes so I'm usually a little preoccupied.  On Friday, I noticed one of our percussion kids trying to figure out how to get himself out of the room. He doesn't have hip sockets and has been walking around school...but it was causing too much strain on his body, so Friday was his first day to use the wheelchair. Since it was the first day in the wheelchair, there were a lot of firsts and I'm not sure everyone had thought everything through.  I noticed he was trying to wheel himself but also had his backpack on wheels and it was really awkward for him to get anywhere WITH his backpack.  I go over to him and start moving backpacks out of the way so he can get through.  I also notice that the rest of his class has left and I asked if one of the clarinet kids could help him with his backpack to his next class. Before I could even get the words out, I had three beautiful little girls jump up, all volunteering to help him.  I said, "Benjamin (name has been changed), aren't you so lucky to have all these pretty girls wanting to help you?" He blushed, smiled and agreed.  There are good kids here.  Kids are still good.  At Huffines Middle School, kids are still good.  Kids are still good, everywhere.  Including my own two kids.  We are all good and we are all bad.  It depends on the day. The hour. The minute. I am deliberately choosing to find the good in my own kids, in my students and in myself every day.  And I will admit, some days it is easier than others.