The month of October is always crazy for us. We go into survival mode with Friday night football games, Saturday marching contests, Middle School district and Region Contests, Fall Concerts, etc.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
"I'm not...."
I'm beginning to look forward to this time each week.
This invaluable chance to put my thoughts somewhere.
It was actually a really busy week even though I can't be terribly specific in my thoughts.
Early in the week (Monday or Tuesday) we had a family stop by to talk to us (Huffines Band staff) about their son's Eagle Scout project. This was a former student of ours who happens to have Asperger's. I was an emotional wreck, to be quite honest. While everyone was talking and discussing the project, I was listening...intently staring at this young man, picturing my very own biological young man. I was also receiving a couple of emails from Hudson's kindergarten teacher telling me about his day while trying to listen to this young man speak....so maturely and so independently.
I was. So. Proud. of him.
I know now, the battle his family has fought.
I know now, the times they have probably pleaded and demanded solutions and modifications.
This young man...his broad shoulders and wide jaw and low voice....his handsome "normal" face....represented all that I can hope Hudson becomes.
My mom came down to help out Wednesday through Sunday (today).
She is a saint. I hope....constantly....to be 1/10th the mother she was and is. It is so incredibly helpful to have her here to help with pick up of the boys....dinner prep...watching them while I teach a masterclass (which I sometimes have to simply say no to due to Darrin's schedule). I have to admit...it is difficult at times, to see how much Hudson bonds with her. He loves her so much. He prefers her to nearly anyone else. He needs her in a way that I feel he has never needed me. There are times...I wonder if he even likes me. He has never really NEEDED ME, emotionally. There are times I feel like he's growing closer...and other times, within the same instant...he feels so far away.
Saturday, my mom and I took the boys to the Flower Mound Pumpkin Patch. It was a lot of fun, but if I'm being totally honest....I'm pretty sure I am on the spectrum as well. It is situations like this that make me able to admit that. I get COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED in a crowd like that. I cannot think. I cannot concentrate. I can't stand the noises and the smells. I have learned how to tolerate them and I bite my lip out of habit. At certain times of the year, I would be embarrassed if anyone looked at the inside of my lip....I go to town on it sometimes. That's my tick. If you're honest with yourself, you might have one, too.
Each week, as I live this life... I try to think of one profound moment or thought that stuck out to me....something I can blog about with abandon. This week....it was this one brief moment at the Pumpkin Patch: Hudson and Brody both wanted to get on this bounce house that has a slide. They scrambled up to the front of the line once we took off their shoes, ignoring about 3 other children waiting patiently. My mom said to Hudson, "This little boy is in line, Hudson. You need to wait behind this little boy." That "little boy" looked at my mother like she was CRAY---ZEEE. He said, "I'm NOT LITTLE!!" We both laughed and said, "No, No...you're not little..." He said, "I'm a BIG KID!" We agreed...But I thought to myself...."How often do we all do this?" We think of ourselves as bigger than what we truly are. We think we're "big kids" in the big wide world. We think we're in control. How often do we look at God and think, "I'm not LITTLE! I'm a Big Kid!" Ultimately, I know God is in control. I do think we all have some control in the choices we make and in the circumstances we find ourselves in....but knowing HE is in control....gives me some peace.
Today, we went to the Blue Goose after church.
The boys had fun playing in the water....
The adults had fun having (somewhat) uninterrupted conversation.
I love the friends I have chosen for my life. I thank God for them and I thank God for my family. I couldn't have been born into a better one....and neither could Hudson or Brody.
I pray nightly that I can be the mother they deserve.
This invaluable chance to put my thoughts somewhere.
It was actually a really busy week even though I can't be terribly specific in my thoughts.
Early in the week (Monday or Tuesday) we had a family stop by to talk to us (Huffines Band staff) about their son's Eagle Scout project. This was a former student of ours who happens to have Asperger's. I was an emotional wreck, to be quite honest. While everyone was talking and discussing the project, I was listening...intently staring at this young man, picturing my very own biological young man. I was also receiving a couple of emails from Hudson's kindergarten teacher telling me about his day while trying to listen to this young man speak....so maturely and so independently.
I was. So. Proud. of him.
I know now, the battle his family has fought.
I know now, the times they have probably pleaded and demanded solutions and modifications.
This young man...his broad shoulders and wide jaw and low voice....his handsome "normal" face....represented all that I can hope Hudson becomes.
My mom came down to help out Wednesday through Sunday (today).
She is a saint. I hope....constantly....to be 1/10th the mother she was and is. It is so incredibly helpful to have her here to help with pick up of the boys....dinner prep...watching them while I teach a masterclass (which I sometimes have to simply say no to due to Darrin's schedule). I have to admit...it is difficult at times, to see how much Hudson bonds with her. He loves her so much. He prefers her to nearly anyone else. He needs her in a way that I feel he has never needed me. There are times...I wonder if he even likes me. He has never really NEEDED ME, emotionally. There are times I feel like he's growing closer...and other times, within the same instant...he feels so far away.
Saturday, my mom and I took the boys to the Flower Mound Pumpkin Patch. It was a lot of fun, but if I'm being totally honest....I'm pretty sure I am on the spectrum as well. It is situations like this that make me able to admit that. I get COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED in a crowd like that. I cannot think. I cannot concentrate. I can't stand the noises and the smells. I have learned how to tolerate them and I bite my lip out of habit. At certain times of the year, I would be embarrassed if anyone looked at the inside of my lip....I go to town on it sometimes. That's my tick. If you're honest with yourself, you might have one, too.
Each week, as I live this life... I try to think of one profound moment or thought that stuck out to me....something I can blog about with abandon. This week....it was this one brief moment at the Pumpkin Patch: Hudson and Brody both wanted to get on this bounce house that has a slide. They scrambled up to the front of the line once we took off their shoes, ignoring about 3 other children waiting patiently. My mom said to Hudson, "This little boy is in line, Hudson. You need to wait behind this little boy." That "little boy" looked at my mother like she was CRAY---ZEEE. He said, "I'm NOT LITTLE!!" We both laughed and said, "No, No...you're not little..." He said, "I'm a BIG KID!" We agreed...But I thought to myself...."How often do we all do this?" We think of ourselves as bigger than what we truly are. We think we're "big kids" in the big wide world. We think we're in control. How often do we look at God and think, "I'm not LITTLE! I'm a Big Kid!" Ultimately, I know God is in control. I do think we all have some control in the choices we make and in the circumstances we find ourselves in....but knowing HE is in control....gives me some peace.
Today, we went to the Blue Goose after church.
The boys had fun playing in the water....
The adults had fun having (somewhat) uninterrupted conversation.
I love the friends I have chosen for my life. I thank God for them and I thank God for my family. I couldn't have been born into a better one....and neither could Hudson or Brody.
I pray nightly that I can be the mother they deserve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)