"There were parts I liked and parts I didn't"

So. Here I sit again, in an attempt to recap a week's worth of adventures.

Monday:  Hudson told me, "I have two friends.  One is Luke, you know that boy.  The other is Rul, from my school. I need more friends."  We then talked about how to make and keep friends, how to share interests and ask about other's interests and how to take turns talking.

Tuesday:  I had everything worked out.  My friend, Steph, was going to watch the boys that night since I had my Middle School Football game band performance and Darrin had his marching rehearsal (his first contest was this Saturday and he couldn't miss rehearsal).  I left work and went to daycare to get the boys and then haul them off to Steph's.  I took one look at Brody and thought, "Oh. No."  You know when it's YOUR kid and they look at you and you know RIGHT AWAY they are sick...?  'Cause they're YOURS?  Yep.  That was it.  I tried to push that thought to the back of my mind, telling myself, "No, he's just tired...it'll be fine." I got Hudson buckled in the car and Brody was sobbing while walking to his side of the car.  I kept asking him, "What's wrong?  Use your words and tell mommy what's wrong."  He used NO words.  He threw up.  All over me.  Needless to say, I missed my band's performance that night.  The most amazing part in all of that is the man I teach with.  He is ALWAYS completely understanding when it comes to my kids.  I felt horrible having to miss and he refused to let me feel guilty about it.  I am so incredibly thankful for him.

Wednesday: Asperger's won.  That's all I can really say.  Sometimes Asperger's wins.  It was a rough night.

Thursday:  Darrin had his football game.  I took the boys to Market Street for dinner/playground time.  This did not last long. Hudson fell and bumped his head and then proceeded to scream and cry at the top of his lungs for the remainder of the evening.  It hurt, granted.  It totally hurt him.  I give him that. He had a bump on the back of his head that HAD TO BE painful.  Hudson, however, has no filter, MOST of the time when it comes to controlling his emotions in public....So he refused to leave but yet, made everyone miserable by screaming and crying at the top of his lungs while aimlessly wandering the playground structures.  You should have seen the meltdown when I told him he had two minutes to stop screaming or we would need to leave.  Also, when we arrived, I told him to "keep an eye" on Brody.  He literally, put his eye on Brody.  Like, leaned over and touched his eye to Brody's head. Good stuff.

Friday:  I had MY Middle School Night at the LHS football game.  It is SO MUCH FUN now that I know so many of the High School kids.  It was VERY LOUD and slightly chaotic trying to get that many kids fed on time and combining 4 middle school band programs with 1 high school band program just makes things kind of crazy, loud and overwhelming.  I was trying to get pizza onto middle school kid's plates while parents and former students were trying to talk and hug me, etc...I had to go stand in a corner and breathe for a minute and I thought, "This must be what Hudson feels like, all the time."  Everything is a little louder and a little brighter.  Everything is a little more exciting and a little more uncomfortable and at times, painful....it must be EXHAUSTING for him.

Saturday:  Darrin had his first Marching Contest of the year.  I took the boys to Lil' Dragons (Hudson's martial arts class) and then Lego Land.  It was SO fun.  The boys BOTH behaved AWESOME.  There was a boy in line in front of us, who was flapping quite a bit.  He would be fine for a moment and then turn and face the wall and flap his arms uncontrollably.  I looked at Hudson and there were a couple times he did his "eye" thing  (he takes his thumb and first finger and puts it on his eyelid above and under his eyeball, essentially opening his eye...as if trying to hold his eye open, unblinking).  He tends to get upset when I ask him why he does this.  He tells me he does it "when his eyes feel funny"....I don't think it's a vision problem.  I think maybe it's just a tick, sort of....an anxiety thing.  Anyway, the other child's Autism (or Aspergers or Autism Spectrum Disorder is what I should probably call it) was much more clearly visible to others.  There was a part of me that was thankful for that, and I feel like a HORRIBLE person typing that.  Another part of me wondered (again) if we jumped the gun.  IS THIS Asperger's.  And if it's not, WHAT is it...I think that's why they have put everything under one HUGE umbrella (Autism Spectrum Disorder) because the grey area is SO, SO huge.  I think we're all a little bit of something.  We're all under some sort of umbrella.  Also, at one point, in all the chaos that is Lego Land (it was really crowed and really chaotic) there were all these little kids (like Brody's age) and a couple of big kids (pre-teens and young teens) playing with the car ramp (you can make your own lego car and then race them down a ramp).  Before I knew it, I saw one of those teenage boys move his car out of the way when Brody clambered up to the ramp, letting the little kid go first.  I looked him in the eye and mouthed, "Thank you."  He nodded and smiled like it was no big deal.  I wanted to yell at that young man, "IT IS A BIG DEAL! IT IS A VERY BIG DEAL! YOU ARE A GOOD YOUNG MAN AND YOU GIVE US ADULTS REASON TO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!"

After LegoLand we walked by *sigh* the Hermit Crab stand.  We are now the proud owners of two Hermit Crabs (Hudson's is named "Lego" and Brody's is named "Peppa").  I really hope they don't die.  The boys love them.

Today (Sunday fun day):  Today, I went to Petsmart and found myself staring at items pertaining to Hermit Crabs, wondering what has come of my life.  Then, I got my answer when the boys got home from the playground and saw their new Hermit Crabitat and freaked out with excitement.  That. That is what has come of my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This afternoon, I had a movie date with Hudson.  He took me to see "Boxtrolls"....I have to admit, it was REALLY good, but it was actually kind of scary and creepy at times, which I had no idea it would be.  Hudson got really scared at one point and I told him we could leave if he wanted.  He said no, he wanted to see how it ended.  I told him it would have a happy ending (Right?!  I mean, it HAS to, right?!  It's a kid's movie!).  Thankfully, it did have a happy ending.  After the movie, I asked him if he liked it.  He said, "There were parts I liked and there were parts I didn't like.  But the parts I DID LIKE were more than the parts I didn't like."  I told him, "Hudson, that's exactly how LIFE is.  There will be parts you like. There will be parts you don't like.  There will be parts that are scary and parts that are happy and parts that are exciting and parts that are sad.  And in the end, you have to HOPE and PRAY for a happy ending."
That's what I pray for. Every night, anyway.

When we hug, we squeeze

We had another good week at school, all of us.
Hudson is now a part of the Accelerated Reader program at his elementary school.
He scored a 100% on the first quiz he took.
He came home with another book the very next day.
It amazes me, that he reads so well.
Not only that, but he COMPREHENDS what he is reading.
As I'm typing this, the same child is currently being disciplined by his father for saying the same potty word, over and over again.....some things....I don't understand.
I asked Hudson on Friday, "What do I have to do to help you stop saying those words (potty words such as poopy and booty and butt)? YOU tell ME? What do I have to do?!" He said, "I don't know....I try to keep them in my head, but sometimes...I just can't."  We had my mother-in-law, Katie, here this weekend, which was so great to have a little extra help with the boys on Saturday while Darrin was at Jazz Band Auditions.  Mel and Jen (Darrin's sisters) were also in town and the twins (Abby and Tayler, our nieces) live here now.  It was SO GREAT  to catch up with family.  We went to Uptown Dallas (lol) with the boys on Friday. It was an adventure, to say the least.  The boys actually did great, but trying to park down there is stressful enough when you're alone.  I would not describe it as "super fun" when you also have two small children in your car, constantly asking, "Are we there yet? Mom, are you going to park? Mom, when are we going to get out of the car?! Mom, I have to pee! Mom, when are we going to see Nana?  Mom, can you please park now?!"  On Saturday, we had Lil' Dragons, which Nana got see Hudson show off his moves.  Then the boys went to Adventure Kids that night while the adults went to have dinner at Blue Goose.  Today, I got some laundry and cooking done and then saw a movie with Ryan (This is Where I Leave You)....it was really good.  After the movie, we took the boys to the splash pad by Agave Azul and now we're home about to put them to bed so we can watch Parenthood.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND the show, "Parenthood."  It is amazing....
Not much else to report except the happenings of the week.
My title, however, refers to some progress being made in regards to Hudson's social skills and his affection for his brother.  On Saturday night, I was putting Brody to bed and the twins were putting Hudson to bed.  We were all in the bathroom while they brushed teeth, which is where I usually try to get them to hug each other, say good night, etc....Hudson is always very "against" that.  This usually hurts Brody's feelings....the struggle is real.  Well, I asked Hudson if Brody could give him a hug and he said, "Only if he asks me and says 'please'...."  So...I had Brody ask Hudson, "Bubba, can I give you a hug, please?" Hudson LET him hug him.  It was awesome.  He pretty much refused to hug him back. He just stood there, limply tolerating it. But...it is PROGRESS.  And progress is GOOD.

Finding the good

Look at me! I'm back! It was NOT, in fact, a "one blog post and then wait, wait, wait again for another" kind of thing. I'm really going to try to make this an every Sunday event.  It's therapy.  And it's free. As this week went by, there were many times I said to myself, "I should blog about that."  Unfortunately, when it comes time to actually sit down and do this, my thoughts aren't always very clear.  There were many ups and downs this week.  Hudson had a sticker every day on his chart at school, but he did have a note on Thursday telling us that he had experienced a meltdown when a friend "aggravated" him.  Still, it is progress.  And progress is good.  I haven't heard from anyone regarding the evaluation they are doing through LISD.  Darrin and I filled out another survey regarding his behavior for an occupational therapist on the school's Autism Evaluation Team.  I don't think he'll qualify for (or need, necessarily) any occupational therapy.  He's not the most coordinated kid, but his vision, hearing and motor skills are fine, I think.  The only concern I really have on that end is some of his sensory issues with noises and smells. What I see him needing is more therapy, one-on-one, to work on controlling his emotions properly/reducing meltdowns/and improving SOCIAL SKILLS.  Time will tell and I'm curious what they will tell us he "needs".

We took an impromptu family photo on Wednesday when my neighbor, Kristen, came over and took one for us. One of Hudson's projects called for a family picture and I was embarrassed that our most 'recent' one was over two years old.

I didn't make it to Darrin's football game performance on Friday, but one of his band parents took this AWESOME picture.  I wish I would have gone.  But the weather was a little rainy and gross and I never know how Hudson is going to handle the noises, lights, smells...and the people.

Saturday was crazy busy Lil Dragons in the morning, then a housewarming party in the afternoon and then Steph's birthday party in the evening.  The boys went to Adventure Kids in the evening and had a blast and the adults had AMAZING food and adult conversation.  Win, Win.

Today, I cooked as much as possible for the week because it's just easier if I cook on weekends and reheat during the week.  We just got back from the park! Both boys are doing awesome on their bikes. Darrin and I were talking about how thankful we are for their birth order.  I'm so glad Brody is younger.  For now, he idolizes Hudson.  He does whatever Hudson tells him to do.  I'm not sure how I'll feel about that when they are teenagers...but for now....

School for me is going really well.  My students are great this year!  My band is a little smaller and honestly, I think that helps me teach them better.  My rehearsals are more focused and efficient with a smaller group and it is nice to have a 3rd band in case anyone in my 2nd band isn't pulling their weight.  Our beginner class overall is AWESOME.  My clarinet class is right after my percussion class (which Mr. Murphy, the percussion coordinator at LHS, teaches) and I am always a little hurried trying to get the chairs set up for my 20 clarinets in between classes so I'm usually a little preoccupied.  On Friday, I noticed one of our percussion kids trying to figure out how to get himself out of the room. He doesn't have hip sockets and has been walking around school...but it was causing too much strain on his body, so Friday was his first day to use the wheelchair. Since it was the first day in the wheelchair, there were a lot of firsts and I'm not sure everyone had thought everything through.  I noticed he was trying to wheel himself but also had his backpack on wheels and it was really awkward for him to get anywhere WITH his backpack.  I go over to him and start moving backpacks out of the way so he can get through.  I also notice that the rest of his class has left and I asked if one of the clarinet kids could help him with his backpack to his next class. Before I could even get the words out, I had three beautiful little girls jump up, all volunteering to help him.  I said, "Benjamin (name has been changed), aren't you so lucky to have all these pretty girls wanting to help you?" He blushed, smiled and agreed.  There are good kids here.  Kids are still good.  At Huffines Middle School, kids are still good.  Kids are still good, everywhere.  Including my own two kids.  We are all good and we are all bad.  It depends on the day. The hour. The minute. I am deliberately choosing to find the good in my own kids, in my students and in myself every day.  And I will admit, some days it is easier than others.

I'm back. A rebirth, of sorts.

For those of you that have kept up with my blog, you know it has been QUITE. SOME. TIME. since I have blogged.  I have to be totally honest, as I try to ALWAYS be.  The past 3 years or so?  They have been all about survival. I feel like the most joyous and most devastating moments of my life have occurred within the past three years.  Please hear me, there has been TREMENDOUS joy.  But there has also been a lot of disappointment and a healthy dose of realism.  5 years ago, I had this picture of what "Motherhood" would be.  It has not turned out to be anything close to that picture.  AND THAT'S OKAY.  It is okay.  For the past 5 years, I have had a child on my hip.  Pretty much...all the time.  When I cooked, I had a child on my hip...they were "helping" to stir the pot.  They wanted their own spoon.  They wanted to be a part of our daily life, even if we were incapable of figuring out HOW to fit them in, at the time.  For the past 5 years...I have said more bedtime prayers than you can imagine.  Some of them were done with said child awake and praying alongside us and many of them were done while the child was asleep...me silently crawling up to their room, desperate, exhausted, crying, tired and having nowhere else to turn except the Lord, my God. This kid?  This kid has CHANGED. MY. LIFE. And I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. Ever.

But this kid...he has Aspergers Syndrome.  He now has a label.  His label says, "Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 - High Functioning"....this is what Aspergers is now called, according to the DSM IV.  His "label" helps us to understand him better.  It does absolutely nothing to diminish our love for him.  The label is simply a means to end...to therapy...to modifications...to anything that will help him and help US to understand our boy that we have always connected with...but on a different level.  Hudson is smarter than I will EVER be.  His brain is incredible.  But more importantly....so is his heart.  And I have so much faith in this kid.  He's going to figure it out.  And when he does, it's going to be AMAZING.  

I have neglected many things over the past few years. One of the things I have TRIED so hard to NOT neglect is my children.  That is one of the many reasons I chose to simply stop blogging for over a year.  It has been necessary.  However, I LOVE TO WRITE.  It is one of the few things in my life that I feel really good about....I'm a pretty decent writer....and I'm not "pretty decent" at a lot of things.  So I am choosing this again.  For myself, for my kids and for my husband.  Because honestly, I'm a better person when I'm able to have this....this platform to get my thoughts out of my head.

I don't think I can "sum up" the past 1.5 years.  Hudson was tested and diagnosed with Aspergers.  We transferred him to Lillie J. Jackson Early Childhood Center through LISD to give him more structure last year.  It helped. A Lot....but there were 4 teachers per room.  Now that he is in kindergarten, there is ONE teacher per 18 kids....he has struggled a bit.  He is ridiculously intelligent. He is creative and kind. He hates cottage cheese even though the rest of the family loves it...sometimes it's easier as a family to not eat it. And I will tell you...the only thing worse than a 5-year-old with diarrhea is a five year old with sensory issues with diarrhea.

HOWEVER....This kid?

He wakes up so happy.  He is a joy to be around.  He laughs a lot and he is a beast.  At 2.5 years old, he is 40 pounds....I can no longer lift him.  We just switched him to a toddler "big boy" bed...he loves it and is so proud of himself.  I find he often accommodates Hudson because he is sweet and kind. He aims to please...especially his big brother, whom he adores.  Hudson takes great pride in the fact that Brody idolizes him so...And though Brody is only 2.5...I think he knows much more than the average 2.5 year old.  He pleases Hudson....he loves him and wants to make him happy...so he lets Hudson boss him around, although I KNOW...(TAKE ONE LOOK AT THE KID) he does NOT regularly let people boss him around.

This. This is my amazing, crazy life.  I cling to my God, and my amazing Husband and the Rock he continues to be for our family. I cling to my amazing friends and family who make the choice, as I do, to love me and my kids every day even when it is not easy.