"I will never..."

This is always the hardest part.

Choosing one line to begin with...especially after a few weeks off.  But like I said, if something gets neglected around here, I prefer for it to be my blog.  Not my husband, my kids...or my job.  So here I sit again. Just me and my thoughts...(well, and my wine)....so here goes.

This right here?  This is one of my favorite places always, but especially right now.  My husband puts a lot of time and energy and love into decorating our home at Christmas and every time I sit out here I'm reminded of how fortunate I am to live this life.  I have an amazing husband who works really hard, but loves his family just as hard.  And I have two incredible boys that are equal parts frustrating and awesome at the same time.

This right down here?  This kid makes my heart hurt. Every day.  He wakes up happy...it amazes me.  This picture was taken the first weekend of Thanksgiving Break.  I braved it to Cosmic Jump with the boys (and me, just me) so that Darrin could put up Christmas lights.  Brody fell asleep on the way there.  I snapped a picture to send to Darrin, almost like an "I told you so...look how hard this is going to be for me now, pity party type of thing"....and then.  Then, I looked at that picture.  And there was my big boy, nearly 3.  (I know he shouldn't have a pacifier, but you shouldn't judge...we'll get to that part later).  There was my big boy, looking like a baby.  And I couldn't help but miss it. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER want another baby.  Like, EVER.  But in that moment...he was fragile and peaceful and he needed me again.  And it was beautiful.  And I missed that baby boy.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving.  We spent a couple of nights in Oklahoma with my family and then we spent a few nights in Kansas with Darrin's side of the family.  Almost daily, I reflect on how far we have come in one year.  All of us....but especially Hudson.  He is actually a pretty decent traveler these days. We arrived back home, relatively unscathed.  We had one major meltdown regarding the grievance of a gum ball not had.  Otherwise, the meltdowns were fairly minimal.  We were also able to make it to the KSU/KU game, with a lot of the family, which was a lot of fun!

Yesterday, I was on my own with the boys again. Darrin had All Region Jazz Clinic and Concert Friday/Saturday....this also coincided with our HDMI cable on our TV shorting out.  On Friday, I threw a pity party about that and on Saturday, I woke up and realized how RIDICULOUS that pity party was.  I SPENT A COUPLE OF DAYS WITHOUT TV.  Wow.  My life.  Is so hard.  I bet our sponsored child, Luvuyo would be floored if he saw our TV.  If he saw our house.  If he saw our food.  If he saw our cars.  If he saw a mom and a dad, BOTH here. Both alive. Both trying, every day, to love our kids to the best of our ability.  Instead of it being a burden, I decided to spend our day with each other, being active.  We went to Lil Dragons (H's martial arts), then came home and I cut their hair (Darrin usually does this...It's a little short this time...but cute, right?!) and then we went to Pizza Hut to redeem a couple of free personal pan pizzas from Book It program and Swim lessons.  We did this WITHOUT iPads (although one should not judge if I had brought iPads. Again, getting to that point in a moment).  We then went Huffines MS so I could get a few things done.  The boys and I played freeze tag in the gym for a solid 45 minutes.  We had so. much. fun. 

My final point is the most important, I think.  Throughout the past couple of weeks I have posted on Facebook.  One post was a response to a friend who is just pregnant with her first child.  Her original post was very judgmental regarding kids using iPads at dinner.  She said, "I will never allow my kids to have iPads at dinner.  You can hold me to that."  There was a part of me that felt SO GOOD.  I felt (and feel) so good to not be in her shoes anymore.  I have nothing to prove.  The older I get, the more I realize how little I actually know.  The more I realize I have to rely on a higher power.  The older I get, the less I care about what others think.  There are times that we go out to dinner and we bring not ONE iPad, but TWO.  We do this when we are exhausted and we simply want ONE meal where we are waited on again...and ONE meal that we can make it through without a meltdown.  Do I wish every meal was iPad free? Yes, of course.  But have I learned to forgive myself for the times that we allow it, because allowing it makes us nicer, more patient parents for 20 minutes, yes.  I forgive myself.  Back to the Facebook post....I replied and I gave my perspective.  I also stated that before I had kids I said a LOT of "nevers".....I have a feeling this offended the poster....but that was not my intent.  I simply wish that when I was younger, I would have THOUGHT more and spoken less.  I have COMPLETELY come to the conclusion that the WORST thing we can do as mothers (as parents, in general) is to judge other mothers/parents.  Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and I often question nearly every decision I make.  But I make each decision after careful thought and prayer and each decision is the best one for me and my family at that given time.  Sometimes, even despite all that, the guilt I feel is enough.  I need NO extra guilt placed on me by others that think they could do it better. (Especially when those others don't have children yet of their own).

On the flip side of that, we had a meeting with Hudson's teachers this week and at one point, it was mentioned that we are all working together, and I was given the impression that both Darrin and I were respected.  Throughout Hudson's evaluation process, it has been said more than once, "Mrs. Duff, you are doing all the right things"...or, "we can tell you are working with him at home and things are improving."  I had a Facebook post last night where my beautiful sister in law (and a handful of friends) all reassured me that I'm a good mother...doing right by my kids.  The nice thing is....being a mother has made my skin tougher than I thought it could EVER be.  However, the impact of those positive statements...man...what if we could ALL do more of THAT.  And less of the judgmental "nevers"....Because again, we NEVER really know what anyone else is going through.