"No. You are brave."

Well, guys.
Lots to chew on this time.
I am unsure of where to begin.
There have been many opportunities for growth and reflection in my life (and in the lives of others I care about). Two and a half weeks ago, the man I share an office with, teach with, care about and respect more than he will ever know....had a heart attack 8th period at school.  He wasn't feeling well and he went to the nurse (Thank you, God).  I have seen him remain calm throughout his heart attack and entire recovery process....I know this is a result of his (and his family's) strong and abiding faith in God.  I can see it.  I can feel it.  And I am thankful for the influence his strength and his faith has had on me as I have taught alongside him the past 5 years, and plan to continue to do so.

It is hard for me to explain myself sometimes.  I tend to not care at all about what others think of me at times and then in the very next moment, I care entirely too much.  I know, deep down, that I am an intelligent, capable woman and a great musician and teacher.  (I'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me, right?!).  But typically, other people seem to have more confidence in me than I have in myself.  I pray about this daily.

My friend and cohort will be out the remainder of the year, leaving me to run a program that I feel both highly qualified to run and also inadequate in comparison.  It is stressful, but he is okay.  It is overwhelming, but he is okay. The kids are okay.  We are all....okay.  And it isn't about me or what others think of me.  What matters is what God thinks of me.  And I will always be good enough in His eyes.  And honestly, I have no idea what His plan is in this....but I am realizing that I am quite capable of this role.  I am, more importantly, realizing that life is so short and that, in the grand scheme of things (get ready, band directors that might be reading this) it is: Just. Band.  It is just band.  And I absolutely love it.  I have the coolest job in the world.  But it is just band.

Today, Hudson and Brody had swim lessons. Darrin took them while I went grocery shopping.
I came home to a meltdown.  Hudson did not have a good lesson.  He HATES getting his head wet and therefore, has a lot of anxiety and fear about it.  We have good weeks and we have bad weeks. This week was a bad week.  You can't talk to him about it when he is upset.  So we wait.  We wait until he is calm.

Tonight, I was talking to him about it and I asked him why he was afraid of getting his head wet. He said, "I hate getting water in my nose." I explained (again) that you have to blow bubbles through your mouth and then you won't get water in your nose. I told him I used to hate that feeling, too, until I figured out how to make sure that didn't happen.  I told him, "Sometimes learning something new is hard and painful and it doesn't always feel good, but you still have to do it.  When you were learning how to walk, you fell down and got frustrated (and to be perfectly honest, Hudson NEVER fell down learning to walk...he just waited until he was 14 months old to make sure he wouldn't fall)....but you kept getting back up and trying to walk.  What if you had just plopped down and decided it was too hard or too uncomfortable and you just would never walk?"  He kind of laughed at this thought.  I told him, "You would never run and play on a playground like you just did. Swimming (and anything else you learn to do) is the same.  It will be uncomfortable at first but sometimes discomfort is necessary to grow and learn."  He looked right at me and said, "But I'm too scared."  I looked at him, with as much strength I could muster and said, "No, you are not.  You are brave."  I felt every ounce of bravery I had for him leave me and go directly to him and he stared at me and said, "Oh.  Okay.  I can be brave."

I feel God doing this for me and I hope you feel that in your life, too.
Give us all strength to conquer our fears, even when we don't feel brave.